Go for the Gold!

So I've been watching the Winter Olympics a lot for the past few days...maybe not quite as thrilling as the Summer ones, but they certainly have their moments. Like did you catch the men's & women's Mogul skiing? They all have to wear a blonde toupe and yell "You're FIRED" when they cross the finish line. Ha ha, I slay me.
No, really...it was full of drama. For the uninitiated: Canada is hosting the Olympics, and they've never had a gold medal on their own turf. So it looked really good for the women's Moguls, they were one competitor away and their Canadian lady had done really well, when along came the last one to ski, an American, and knocked it out of the ballpark. Everyone was really dissapointed. But then the men's Moguls came along and a Canadian won over some Australian jockstrap, the favorite to win, who was...get this...ACTUALLY CANDADIAN but defected to the Australian team when they wouldn't let him run his INTERNET SPAM BUSINESS on the side of, like, training for the Olympics. I was pretty gratified. Chalk one up for Karma, eh?

Anyway...I got to thinking the other day...they should TOTALLY have the Housewife Olympics. And the event that I would medal in would be: putting the sleeping baby down on the bed. Awesome. It would go something like this:

First Sportscaster: (whispering): And she gets in position for the first element, lowering the infant. Could be a little early, here....

Second Sportscaster: Yes, timing is everything in this sport. If it's not completely asleep....aannnd there she goes! A little early, but she nails it. This housewife in particular has terrific instincts, and seems to be able to get away with doing things on her own timetable.

Second: The baby is down. Note the terrific control in the seamless descent from arms to bed.

First: Doss is particularly known for the stomach lay, which we saw her execute several times during the practice runs. It's where she keeps the core temperature of the baby stable by maintaing stomach contact, essentially laying on the baby, as she withdraws her hands from under it, the difficult second element. Very hard to execute, especially with the weight that Doss is carrying.

Second: Yes, but she seems to have a real feel for it.

First:

Second:

First: I would like to point out at this juncture that "luge" is one of the few words that rhymes with "booje".

Second:

First: Just saying.

Second: (whispering even lower): As you can see, the baby is moving a little. Ah, it's still......

First: No, I saw a hand.

Second: Oh! A gutsy move by Doss! She attempts the Right handed withdrawl WHILE THE BABY IS MOVING. This is one tough competitor!

First: No doubt about that. And here we see the genius of the stomach lay....both hands have been withdrawn and the baby still thinks that the mother is there, because she still feels the warmth...and Doss slowly stands up....

Second: This is the tricky bit...if you do it too early all is lost......................................wait for it............

Second: She nails it! The child is motionless! She wraps it up with the last element, the blanket cover, and out of the room she goes.....careful not to click the room's door too loud.....ANNNDDD SHE'S OUT! A SPECTACULAR RUN BY DOSS! This is a gold-winning performance for sure!

(Crowd goes wild, waking the baby)

Right? Can I get an amen from all mothers everywhere who have learned the exact way to put their baby down? It's a delicate science. Not just anyone can do it.

Anyway, you should really watch the Olympics. Not only is is a culturally enriching experience, but it's even got some extra-curricular stuff that's pretty....titillating. When Mr. Canada won the Men's Moguls, after a TV interview was done, the camera caught him turning around, face into some blonde bombshell, who proceeded to STICK HER TONGUE DOWN HIS THROAT without even so much as a how'dy do. It was like, Blah blah blah, turn, BAM! PORNO! Phew!

Happy Valentines Day, eh.